Jonathan David Comic: January 2016

I'm a stand-up comic, at least I try to be. I see a lot of comics perform and work on new material. It's funny that I say that I see a lot of comics, because sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at the same white guy with a beard and glasses (I am a white guy with a beard and glasses) talk about how he likes wrestling and doesn't like cats. I could give a rats ass about wrestling, but I am tired of hearing these guys talk smack about my feline friends. Every fucking white male comic has a bit about how they think dogs are better than cats. Well if you are one of those people who think that dogs are categorically better than cats, then I have a few points I'd like to make to you.

First, Fuck you... alright, moving along.

I came out swinging!

Second, Fuck you again... alright, moving along.

Third, the vast majority of these comics that are making these points don't even own a pet. Who the hell said that you could have an opinion on this? Go get a dog and then tell me how freaking great they are. I'm sure you think dogs are great when they're your parents responsibility, but I doubt you'll feel that way when you have your own barking shit machine. But you won't get a dog, because dogs are too much maintenance. Dogs suck so much, you can't even own one, but somehow you think they're better than cats?

This is not better than a cat...

Fourth, I've never been watching TV and this type of shit happened:
Breaking news! A 2 year old is being rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his neighbor's cat. Reports say the cat is a Tabby, which is considered one of the more violent breeds. Fortunately, animal control has taken the dangerous animal in to be destroyed.

There are leash laws for a reason. If I let Mr. Whiskers outside he doesn't come back with warrants, but you let your dog out on the loose, and he comes back with a criminal record, illegitimate kids, and he shit on your lawn. Having a dog is like letting my brother stay with you... he shit on my lawn! No, if I let Mr. Whiskers outside, he buries his poop. Cats are so awesome they hide their dooties, but you enjoy picking up giant dog bombs off your lawn.

That's a bad Mr. Kitty!

Fiff, dogs are disgusting. I've seen multiple dogs eat various types of poop. I've seen a dog roll around on a rotting maggoty dead mongoose corpse; you know, just in case it goes hunting. Cats clean themselves, but you still prefer to live with the creature that thinks cat turds are a tasty treat.

Kitty Roca is tasty...

Sixth, Cats are perfect for Millennials. Netflix and chill was fucking made for cats! Dogs don't want to Netflix and chill; dogs want to go to the park. I don't want to go outside. Dogs always want to go outside. They want to go out for a run. Do you think I want to run!? Cats are perfect for my lazy ass. Whereas dogs are a bunch of work. You have to walk them and pick up their shit and train them to behave and such. Where you can teach a cat to poop in the toilet and then you're done. Essentially when you give me a dog, what I think is, "thanks, you just gave me a bunch of chores." Only people who have nothing better to do would want a bunch of extra chores.

Your only chore is flushing after me, bitch.

I mean would you really choose a yappy little dog over a big cuddly cat? And that's really the point. Animals are just like people. Some of them are cool and some of them suck. Some dogs suck and some cats suck, but some dogs are cool and some cats are cool too. However, some people try to get fucked up animals for pets, like snakes. A snake is not a pet. You don't fucking pet it. It doesn't like you. It will never like you. It is just waiting for its chance to bite your ass. I went over to my friend's house and she told me that she had a pet tarantula. I told her, "No, you have a pet nightmare." Fuck that noise; for reals.