Dogs Versus Cats

I'm a stand-up comic, at least I try to be. I see a lot of comics perform and work on new material. It's funny that I say that I see a lot of comics, because sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at the same white guy with a beard and glasses (I am a white guy with a beard and glasses) talk about how he likes wrestling and doesn't like cats. I could give a rats ass about wrestling, but I am tired of hearing these guys talk smack about my feline friends. Every fucking white male comic has a bit about how they think dogs are better than cats. Well if you are one of those people who think that dogs are categorically better than cats, then I have a few points I'd like to make to you.

First, Fuck you... alright, moving along.

I came out swinging!

Second, Fuck you again... alright, moving along.

Third, the vast majority of these comics that are making these points don't even own a pet. Who the hell said that you could have an opinion on this? Go get a dog and then tell me how freaking great they are. I'm sure you think dogs are great when they're your parents responsibility, but I doubt you'll feel that way when you have your own barking shit machine. But you won't get a dog, because dogs are too much maintenance. Dogs suck so much, you can't even own one, but somehow you think they're better than cats?

This is not better than a cat...

Fourth, I've never been watching TV and this type of shit happened:
Breaking news! A 2 year old is being rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his neighbor's cat. Reports say the cat is a Tabby, which is considered one of the more violent breeds. Fortunately, animal control has taken the dangerous animal in to be destroyed.

There are leash laws for a reason. If I let Mr. Whiskers outside he doesn't come back with warrants, but you let your dog out on the loose, and he comes back with a criminal record, illegitimate kids, and he shit on your lawn. Having a dog is like letting my brother stay with you... he shit on my lawn! No, if I let Mr. Whiskers outside, he buries his poop. Cats are so awesome they hide their dooties, but you enjoy picking up giant dog bombs off your lawn.

That's a bad Mr. Kitty!

Fiff, dogs are disgusting. I've seen multiple dogs eat various types of poop. I've seen a dog roll around on a rotting maggoty dead mongoose corpse; you know, just in case it goes hunting. Cats clean themselves, but you still prefer to live with the creature that thinks cat turds are a tasty treat.

Kitty Roca is tasty...

Sixth, Cats are perfect for Millennials. Netflix and chill was fucking made for cats! Dogs don't want to Netflix and chill; dogs want to go to the park. I don't want to go outside. Dogs always want to go outside. They want to go out for a run. Do you think I want to run!? Cats are perfect for my lazy ass. Whereas dogs are a bunch of work. You have to walk them and pick up their shit and train them to behave and such. Where you can teach a cat to poop in the toilet and then you're done. Essentially when you give me a dog, what I think is, "thanks, you just gave me a bunch of chores." Only people who have nothing better to do would want a bunch of extra chores.

Your only chore is flushing after me, bitch.

I mean would you really choose a yappy little dog over a big cuddly cat? And that's really the point. Animals are just like people. Some of them are cool and some of them suck. Some dogs suck and some cats suck, but some dogs are cool and some cats are cool too. However, some people try to get fucked up animals for pets, like snakes. A snake is not a pet. You don't fucking pet it. It doesn't like you. It will never like you. It is just waiting for its chance to bite your ass. I went over to my friend's house and she told me that she had a pet tarantula. I told her, "No, you have a pet nightmare." Fuck that noise; for reals.

this lady might want a pet snake

So in conclusion; here's some funny pictures of cats and dogs

If this doesn't make you smile, then you are dead inside

I'm not even sure if this counts as a cat. Might be a Chupacabra

Khloe Kardashian's dog

I don't even want to know...

Okay, this dog is definitely awesome!

Cats also make excellent baby beds

they're also good for teething too

The face of evil

I accidentally stared at this photo too long...

"I ate that kitten from above. Those are my boobies!"

Okay that's enough from me!

peace, love, & justice for all

-Jonathan David

Love Thyself

The other day I asked a friend a question that I think we should all ask ourselves, “What would it look like if you loved yourself fully and unconditionally?”

She didn't know, and I don't have a definitive answer, but everyday I strive to better understand what that question truly entails and what the answer might be.

How this idea really came into light was when I saw a friend of mine repeatedly say negative things about themselves and intentionally harming themselves with poor life choices. I told this friend, “If someone else treated you the way you treat yourself, I'd kick their sorry butt. I'm tempted to kick your butt just on principle.” But how could I judge them for mistreating themselves when I myself was possibly a worse offender? Years of growing up in a negative environment had given me a terrible self-concept. I would constantly put myself down by calling myself fat, lazy, stupid, etc. If someone else called me those things, my friends would be mad at that person, so its not surprising that my friends would get mad at me. They care about me, and they wish I would care about me too. I came to understand that I should love myself, but that doesn't mean that I did or even knew how.

What really made me see the error of my ways was a call with a mentor of mine. She told me to be good to myself. That it was time that I started to allow others to love me and to do that I needed to love myself, and until I love myself that I will never fully love another. I then saw how in all my relationships with lovers, friends, and family, that I had been cold to my loved ones in some ways, because I was unable to accept love. I thought about how frustrating it was for me to love someone who refused to accept my love, and understood the folly of my actions. Many of us know what it is like to love someone who cannot feel loved. It is horrible. I knew both sides of that coin, and I had enough of it.

But that still didn't give me an answer of what it looked like if I truly loved myself fully and unconditionally. Then I thought, “If I were fully responsible for another adult, for every aspect and decision of their life, then what would I have that person do if I loved them fully and unconditionally?” Now just pretend that other person is yourself. I can't tell you what loving yourself looks like to you, for that is a journey that only you can make, but I can tell you what I have come to believe for myself.

To truly love myself I have had to re-parent myself, for I needed to repair the damage of the past and teach myself new good habits. Good habits take time to develop, so the first thing I had to do was stop judging myself for having the unhealthy habits I had and still have. In fact, I made it a mission to stop judging myself in any capacity. I am not a final product, but a process, and so what you have today with me will not necessarily be what you will have tomorrow. I adjusted my diet, I started to exercise more, I started to really groom myself, I drank less and less alcohol, I stopped saying negative things about myself, I took more supplements daily, I forgave myself for my mistakes, I put boundaries on myself that my parents failed to do so years ago, I made using emotional healing tools a part of my regular routine, I gave myself a regular bedtime that I try to stick to, I started saving my money (so I had some when I needed it), I would look in the mirror and say positive affirmations (“I am handsome”, “I love myself”, “I am a good person”, etc.), I bought myself things that I needed rather than just things that I wanted, I set aside “me time” (usually a walk through my neighborhood), I started to make nice meals for myself, I set firm boundaries of how I would allow people to treat me (no longer would I allow people to mistreat me, for I would not allow them to treat my friends that way), I started to dream big and nurture those dreams, and so much more.

What I found was that I started to not just love myself, but I started to fall in love with myself. I realized that I am stuck with me for the rest of my life, so I better get real used to being around me. It's like I'm married to myself and there is no divorce. I found myself enjoying alone time, because I could stand to be alone with myself again. I found myself being really happy to be me. I found passion in my life. I brought some justice to my life and thus the world around me.

It is such a simple idea to love yourself, and yet so few know what that means. People think that self-love is wrong, because they confuse it with narcissism. To love oneself does not mean that you think you are better than others or that you love yourself more than others. One should love themselves as much as they love anyone else; endlessly. To think yourself better than others is not to love them nor yourself, for it is a lie and lying to yourself is not love.

I feel so blessed to have had so many amazing teachers who have guided me to these understandings. I can only hope that others will find similar blessings. I ask that you love yourself, for as Jim Rohn used to say, “take care of you for me.” If you wish for your loved ones to be good to themselves, then why not lead by example and show them what loving yourself fully and unconditionally looks like?

In final note, we are not our past. We are not our beliefs. We are not our problems. You can be however you want to be. Bad habits can die hard, but they die a lot easier when you have amazing tools that work and a supportive community that loves you. Everyday I try to be a little better to myself, and I have good days and I have bad days, but the good days come more and more and in greater and greater intensity. I love myself, and because of that, I love you too.

Eternally grateful,

your brother,

Jonathan David

Etymology

Today, a Facebook friend of mine posted this:
"So when you hear your friends say, 'That's lame/crazy/insane' you say......?
When your coworker refers to the air conditioning systemninside your workplace as having multiple personalities, you say......?"
and went on to say that this is ableism.

This friend is a sweet person who is also dedicated to justice, however, I think this is taking things a little far.

My parents are both Deaf and they don't like to be called "deaf and dumb", because today 'dumb' means 'stupid'. However, 'dumb' used to refer to a person who didn't speak; a mute. What the word used to mean doesn't mean shit to my dad; it's that the word is now associated with stupidity, and he doesn't wish to be associated with that.

Now people tell me that I can't use words that don't necessarily have a negative meaning in the present, but used to have a negative meaning, like 'handicapped'. The word 'handicap' comes from a time when the disabled would be forced to beg on the street with a cap in their hand; hand + cap = handicap. Now we just call those people the homeless, and the majority of them still suffer from debilitating disorders such as PTSD, schizophrenia, BPD, etc.

The thing is, lots of words have different connotations and/or have had various meanings throughout the years. The word 'cute' used to mean "bowlegged and ugly". It's all about context. Who the hell refers to a person with disabilities as "lame"? The only time the word "lame" is used to describe a physical state is to describe a horse. If a person is lame, then they suck; no one means they are crippled. The word "crazy" has positive or neutral connotations as well. I can say that I am crazy funny. Also, sometimes it's okay to call a crazy person crazy. A person who wants to blow up the world is crazy. If you don't think so, then you're crazy too.

"cute"

Now the part about multiple personalities is weird. That seems oddly specific. Who the hell describes inanimate objects as having multiple personalities? Probably someone with a mental health condition. "That air conditioning has multiple personalities, and the lamp called me an asshole."
I would never say something like that, beyond that it sounds weird, but because what if someone you work with has dissociative identity disorder? It sounds like your are using their specific disorder as an negative descriptor, like you are making fun of their condition. However, if someone does make this metaphor, then we have to forgive them, for they probably didn't mean to insult anyone with DID, since they probably don't knowingly know anyone with DID. Although, I have met some insensitive people who would not care if they did work with someone with DID, as they find it okay to make fun of their disorder. These are the type of people who think it's okay to make fun of people with intellectual disabilities. They're assholes, and there's no need to try to convince them of anything, because they either will come around on their own or they won't, but you aren't going to convince them. They feed off your energy. The more you try to tell them that they are wrong, the the more they will try to prove that they are right, for no one likes to be wrong.

"That lamp is an asshole!"

"he's right, I am an asshole."

I am all for being sensitive to other people's feelings, but just because one person might get offended by a word doesn't mean we shouldn't use it. The question is, is it really ableist to say "that's crazy?" Well, I don't consider people with mental illness crazy. I consider crazy people crazy, and while some crazy people have mental illness, not all people with mental illness are crazy. Also, what's wrong with being crazy? You got to be a little crazy to survive in this world.

"I still have a career. Who's crazy now!?"

In conclusion, crazy people don't like to be called crazy, and stupid people don't like to be called stupid, but some people are stupid and some people are crazy, and sometimes when we use the word 'crazy' we aren't referring to people with mental illness, so we aren't being ableist. This all reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg bit where he said that you shouldn't wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker. This shit is useful. I'm going to go hold something." I'm going to keep on waving...

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

"They're Just Lumps of Fat!"

Hello, awesome people

My last couple of posts were too serious for my blood. I like to keep things silly. You know, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Although, I bet Debbie Downer has Quaaludes... ludes man... ludes

I promise to make this post more upbeat, so let's talk about boobies! Everyone loves boobies...

However, if everyone loves breasts, then why can't you show naked breasts on TV or in public? Is it going to pervert the children? It's strange that people think that seeing breasts will corrupt their children when breasts themselves are designed for children. Breasts aren't just for fun, they are actually intended to be used to feed babies. Our infants and toddlers are supposed to be getting that boob action, but instead we give them a plastic bottle. It's like we are turning them into alcoholics, because I often repress my desire for breasts with a bottle, and when I've been drinking, I also fall asleep in random places and maybe even soil myself, if the night is interesting enough... jk

We can all agree that sex is good and violence is bad (all things considered). If you can't agree on that, then remember there is a commandment not to kill, but God also commands that we have sex, "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply." In case you don't know, by "multiply", God means he wants you to "get it on" ("get it on" is the technical term). But an atheist can agree that sex is good and violence is bad; there are scientific reasons to approve of sex; it's healthy. Generally, violence is not healthy, unless your workout is punching suckers.


You know who else likes to beat up imaginary bad guys? Meth addicts...

I think most sane people can agree that violence is bad and sex is good, but that's not how we behave. The other day I turned on the TV and I saw someone get kicked in the nuts, I saw someone get decapitated, and I saw another person get set on fire, and that was just what was on Nickelodeon, but heaven forbid you see a boobie on TV. If you want to see sex, then you have to change it to the Disney Channel. Somewhere, some little girl is waking up from a 5 year coma and is saying, "what the fuck happened to Hannah Montana!?" Look, little girl, just because you woke up from a coma doesn't mean you get to use foul language. I'll tell you what happened to Hannah Montana; we happened to her.

Sure, you can see all kinds of news footage of violent scenes as long as they preface it with, "the following footage is graphic in nature and may be unsuitable for some audiences or some bullshit," but I run naked on the news one time and all of a sudden I'm a criminal.

I know why people think boobies are not to be shown, because they were brainwashed against them. There's no logical reason for it. There are so goddamned many cultures where full nudity is not a problem. Even this article from The American Conservative even states that "This kind of thing is what happens when a culture has what I consider to be a disordered view of the human body, specifically the breasts. It runs parallel to pornography, this leering, panicked modesty. It is challenging to teach one’s children how to tell the difference between art and pornography when it comes to depictions of the nude human form, but it is necessary to try..." That's really the problem. We have conflated nudity with sex, and bare breasts are not allowed to be used to feed babies in public, because people associate them with sex and not nourishment.

The other day I saw a very obese man standing by the PCH outside of Santa Monica, and he was topless drying himself off with a towel. That guy's breasts were bigger than my last 2 girlfriends! Why is that guy allowed to show his boobs, but not women? Is it because no one wants to see his boobs? Then shouldn't we switch it around, so he has to keep his covered up and the boobs we want to see can be set free? The good people at Free the Nipple having been fighting to get equal breast rights for women, because when it comes down to it, to tell women that they have to hide their chest, but tell men they don't is not just stupid, it's a sexist double standard.


Apparently boobs made of marble are beautiful, but not real boobs on a person with a vagina.

It's not that I think that women should show their breasts (I'm not that big of a pervert), it's that I think that women have the moral right to show their breasts if they choose to, and so I think they should have legal rights to do so. Here's where Libertarians tend to get it right. One should have the right to do what they want with their bodies as they see fit, as long as that doesn't interfere with other people's happiness. There's no good reason to prevent women from showing their breasts other than some people just don't like it. Well that's not good enough to make it illegal. Some people don't like it that gay people kiss in public; but we don't make laws against that, because even if 99% of the population is against something, that doesn't mean shit, because 99% of people could be wrong (appeal to popularity). The problem is, who knows what is right? Me obviously!

So in conclusion, I am really tired to talking about boobs, because women are not just their bodies. "Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter." So, let's just grow the fuck up and stop giving a shit about stuff that doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter if a woman shows her breasts, as that doesn't really affect anyone. However, it does matter that depression is on the rise in the U.S. and the world in general. It does matter that 21,000 children die everyday because they are too poor. And it does matter that women still don't have equal rights in this country.

Alright, I guess that's a good fourth post... boobies, breasts and bosoms... not bad.

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

I'm Not With Those Guys

Hello, my wonderful readers.

My last post concerns me, because I don't want people to confuse me with those closet bigots who get all defensive of being white. By no means do I want to try to say that white people have never done anything wrong. Those people's stance is very different from my own. The people at FOX "News" would like to say that everything is fine, there is no racism anymore, and black people are not disadvantaged, because white people are not advantaged, so don't blame them for anything. My stance is not that.

My stance is that typically white people have had advantages and still have advantages. Men generally have had and still do have advantages. Racism definitely still exists, and more grotesque is that racists try to act like they aren't racist. They're too chicken shit to say what they really think. However, just because there are disadvantages for people of color, or women, or the LGBTQ, doesn't mean that it is my fault. I personally am not responsible for those disadvantages. However I am responsible for trying to change the system, and I will do whatever I can for justice.

The people who really bother me are Libertarians, because they will say that everyone has a right to their property, and no one has a right to take their property. Yeah, because no one has ever gotten their property unethically... I mean, slavery NEVER happened. We NEVER fundamentally displaced and financially ruined the Indigenous Americans. I contend that just about every last cent in this country is the product of injustice.

Our schools still teach Manifest Destiny; what a racist paradigm that is. They say something like, "Americans felt it was their destiny to expand westward in the big empty country, and that is how we became a country." Wikipedia says, "Historians have emphasized that 'Manifest Destiny' was a contested concept—Democrats endorsed the idea but many prominent Americans (such as Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, and most Whigs) rejected it. Historian Daniel Walker Howe writes, 'American imperialism did not represent an American consensus; it provoked bitter dissent within the national polity.... Whigs saw America's moral mission as one of democratic example rather than one of conquest.'"
They teach the perspective that won out rather than teach that it was a debate. Never-the-less, today we can look back and see that the Westward expansion was done as the cost of millions of Native Americans, and not just to disease. The Trail of Tears was the result of Manifest Destiny. They don't want to frame it that way, because then Americans would have to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. All people would like to get the most benefit to them, and it doesn't benefit the people on top to admit that how they got there was by being evil. What Americans did to the Native Americans was just plain evil. If you don't agree with that, then read in detail what the American government did. Don't read the justification pieces written by racist libertarians who want aren't historians. Actual historians are clear that our country did a lot of bad stuff to get to where it is  today. It wasn't just that we worked hard. Working hard is not how one gets powerful.

That's the other problem with Libertarianism. People assume that you deserve your property, because you worked for it and that's how people become successful. Sure that's how some people have become successful, but that's not the prevailing strategy. Most people who become successful follow the philosophy of Thrasymachus in Plato's Republic. That philosophy is, "Justice is when the advantage goes to the strong." According to these people, if I already have power and I use it to gain more power, then that is justice. That's great if you want to have a monopoly. That's what happens when you allow businesses to do whatever they want, eventually you will get more and more powerful monopolies; or a king or an emperor. That's how the game is played. You don't win until you have it all, and the best way to have it all is to use your advantage to gain more advantage, which means you put others at a greater disadvantage. People who don't want to end that system are endorsing Thrasymachus' view, which is inherently unjust, so what they say is, "justice is injustice", which is crazy. Don't endorse Thrasymachus' view, kids. Don't French-fry when you want to pizza.

The view that it is the fault of the disadvantaged that they are disadvantaged is evil. It is the view of the selfish. It is the view of the unsympathetic. It is the view of a person who lacks compassion; a sad, sorry person; a FOX "News" pundit. I pity them.

You can't undo what has been done, but that is not justice either. When you steal from someone, you can't undo stealing from them, but you can return their goods or something of equal value if they will accept it. If you murder someone, you can't un-murder them, but you can work towards preventing future murders and do everything you can to help those affected recover from their pain. This should be common sense. Justice is not sitting in a box doing nothing. Justice is not eye for an eye. Justice is love and compassion. Sorry if I sound like a hippy, but, seriously, people need to quit hating so much, get laid, then remember that we are all children pretending to be adults. No one has it figured out. No one is perfect. We all have inner demons, so why get mad when someone has way more demons than you?

Thus, we need to provide to those who lack, and not just for today. My ol' Pappy used to say, "if you give a man a fish, then he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, then he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day." That's classic Pappy. Education is what we need to provide; equal education; equal opportunity to succeed. The best education shouldn't go to the children of the rich, it should go to the most talented, so that we can further their talents, so that they can provide further advancement for society. Endless competition is not efficient. Endless consumption is not efficient. Our system not only creates injustice, but it actually prevents advancement and is going to destroy our planet. Instead of constantly using our resources for killing each other in fancier and fancier ways, we could be using them to save us from ruin. But hey, at least I can buy stuff just to immediately throw them away...

The thing that those who have vast amounts of power don't realize is that they would be happier if they lived in a just society. They are addicted to their power, and like all addicts, they cannot admit that they have a problem. They live like kings, but the planet is turning to shit and millions of people suffer in unspeakable ways. The most powerful demon in hell still lives in hell. They could be kings in a shit world or they could just be themselves in a just and fair society, and there's nothing wrong with just being you. Having money or wealth doesn't make you better, because you are not your money or your power. Also, no one can ever be better or worse than another person. That is just a paradigm that fuels injustice.

I'm not against having wealth or abundance. I embrace it. However, I reject a lifestyle that ignores the consequences of that lifestyle. I don't want to try to act like children in sweat shops didn't make a bunch of things that I have purchased. I don't want to live in a fantasy world where I can live a life of convenience and no one was exploited for that to happen, when the truth is vastly different. I embrace the truth, so I stare into the abyss and try to smile.

I am not against having wealth, for I believe it is my responsibility to gain as much wealth as possible, and yours as well. As long as we live in a capitalist society, then it is our duty to earn as much money as possible to use to create justice. Even if it weren't my duty, that is what I would do anyway, simply because all I wish for is justice, so if I had a lot of money I would use it to help make the world a more just place. Although I sometimes like to fantasize if I were a ridiculously rich person and didn't care about justice, then what sort of selfish stuff I would buy. I'd first hire a giant woman to carry me around everywhere I want to go, because walking is for poor people. After that I'd probably use my money to pull more and more elaborate pranks. I'd be like Danny Ocean, but with pranks. Like Mozart, but with fucking with the world. I'd probably pay for a fake news story that Dick Cheney has people locked in his basement. Prove that you don't, Mr. Cheney. Let the people go, Mr. Cheney; the jig is up...

So yeah, I'm not with those guys... I'm my own special breed of person.

I guess that's good enough for a third post... Libertarians and Thrasymachus... ooooooookay

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

If You Can't Laugh, Then You're Too Attached

Howdy, sexy cats.

I am not easily offended. I have been through a lot of stuff, and I know what to invest my anger towards. I try not to let the words of others determine my mood. However, sometimes people get the best of me. Double however, I know that I am still responsible for my emotions. As I told a friend recently, stupid people are going to be stupid whether you get pissed off or not, but wouldn't you rather not be pissed off than be pissed off? Lately though, there has been a lot of people who are trying to be more sensitive, but in the end act like assholes. They aren't helping things, because they represent their side terribly, and most of all, they act like what someone says has power over them, rather than take responsible for their own emotions. Yes, people shouldn't say certain things to each other, but we must allow for freedom of speech. Evil people should be allowed to express themselves, for by allowing them to express themselves, we are able to understand them and learn to forgive them. That doesn't mean that we should teach kids racist material in schools, but if a celebrity says how much he hates Jews, I don't get my feathers ruffled, even if I am half-Jewish. I just make fun of anti-Semitism.

Things are getting out of hand now. Some Ivy League colleges are cutting rape law from the curriculum of their law schools, because students complained that the topic made them feel uncomfortable. You know who really feels uncomfortable in that situation? Someone who's been raped, but can't find a fucking lawyer, because everyone was too much of a pussy to do their job. And their excuse is always the same thing. "I had a traumatic experience once." I had a ton of traumatic experiences in my life. I grew up in a crackhouse. My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic and my father is a sociopath. I know what trauma is, but I don't let that stop me from doing things, because if I did, then I wouldn't be able to do anything. For instance, I have a scar on my right hand from when I was 2. My mom was high on methamphetamine while she was driving our family van (a real van, not one of those crappy minivans). I was sitting in the back without a seatbelt (again, my mom was high on meth and it was the 80's). My mother hit the side rail from the slow lane of the freeway; just outside of El Cajon, California. The van spun around and began to roll from one side of the freeway all the way over to the shoulder on the other side of the freeway. I flew in the air and somehow landed in a cupboard that sheltered me from the devastation. When we came to, my pinky finger was showing bone as some nails in the cupboard had poked me. An EMT came to help us and my mom yelled at him to get away, because she was high and thought that he was a devil worshipper there to eat my body. In the end, all I got was a little scar on my pinky and plenty of trauma. However, when the neighborhood weirdo comes by, I don't say, "I'm sorry, Mister, but I can't get into your van, because I had a traumatic experience in a van once..." NO! I gets my candy! The only problem with that candy is that it makes me sleepy and I wake up with a sore butthole, but who can say no to free candy? It's free candy!

Another thing that I've noticed is that people who have had a lot of traumatic experiences are the ones who are usually doing the offending; I've probably already offended a lot of people. We have thicker skin I guess. I don't mean to offend anyone, but some people are just going to be offended, and it's not my responsibility. That's the point. It's not the offender's responsibility to change their opinion or what they say. They are allowed their opinion, no matter how wrong you might find it. I should be allowed to think my stupid thoughts just as much as my smart ones. If I want to know your opinion of what I say, then I'll ask, but otherwise, no one wants everything they say to be criticized. Are we so immature that we can't just ignore people? Seriously, just ignore people. People can be dicks sometimes, so it's best to learn to ignore their asshole comments. I've been called all sorts of stupid things by all sorts of stupid people. Even if everyone around me told me that I was ______, that doesn't make me ______, the only thing, in my mind, that makes me ______, is that I believe that I am ______. I use your opinions as useful information as how to interact with you, but I don't use it to tell me who I am. You don't define me; I do.

However, no one wants to live in a society where everyone puts each other down, so we request that others change what they say. If I don't like it when someone calls me an asshole, then I might say, "please don't call me an asshole. I preferred to be called, Sir Jonathan of Awesomlandia", but I know that they might still call me an asshole. I know that I can't control other people's behavior. I can't force people to act right. What I can do is inspire them to change. Telling you that you are an asshole, because you didn't call me the right thing that I want to be called, isn't going to inspire you to change, because I have made you into my enemy. I want to turn you into my ally, so I must inspire you to call me something else. Perhaps trying with, "here's what I want to be called and why". If that doesn't work, then figure it out, but, either way, you just be patient that the person will eventually come around, or it's not worth your time.

Schools do have the ability to tell people what to say and not to say. The issue of trigger words is a big problem, because now teachers and students are forbidden from using certain words. The problem is that there is no word that is bad or should be stricken from any curriculum. The only thing that needs to be adjusted is the context. For instance, one can discuss the words 'nigger' or 'faggot' to discuss the history of oppression that is associated with those words. It would be pretty hard to teach a course about discrimination in America and not even discuss how people used labels to oppress others. You see, I'm not calling anyone any of those words, but I am discussing the words themselves. I'm not being insensitive; I'm being academic. If we don't teach about assholes, then how will you stop people from being assholes?

Really the issue here is boundaries; where we set boundaries and whether where we are setting boundaries overlaps where others are setting their boundaries. I have a very strong boundary that says that I can say whatever I want. You may not like it, but I, as a comic, need to have the freedom to say stupid things, so that I can figure out not to say those things. I also have a legal right to say whatever I want, but I'm not a cop, so no snitching. I also have boundaries about how I expect people to speak to me. My boundaries are that they can say whatever they want to me as long as they are not intentionally trying to hurt anyone's feelings, lie, or be manipulative. If someone doesn't want me to call them something, then I don't call them that.

The thing that really bothers me is when someone assumes that I am privileged, and talks down to me because of it. Just because someone has some privileges, does not mean that they are privileged overall. We all have some advantages, but that doesn't mean that the sum total of their advantages out weighs their disadvantages. For instance, I am a white male, but I could also be really, really fucking stupid. No matter what color my skin is or what gender I am, most people will have massive advantages over me. Again, just because I'm white does not mean I had a happy-go-lucky childhood. I grew up poor. I grew up with domestic violence. I grew up with drug abuse. On top of all of that, my parents are Deaf, so I grew up with a drastically different culture, one that has been oppressed more than most people will ever know. Just because I'm a white male doesn't mean my life is all peaches and gravy (or whatever people eat). Yes in some ways my life is easier, but that doesn't mean I approve of that or am unaware of those advantages. Basically I don't like people assuming shit about me.

We need to put everything in context. No one is simply white or black or male or female or Christian or Jewish or fully abled or disabled or gay or straight or bisexual, but instead we all have unique experiences that influence who we are. We don't want to stereotype all white men as having the same advantages, because that is not necessarily true. Also, even if my life was advantaged, that does not mean that I can't or don't understand your struggle. However, because my life has been full of struggle, I am able to empathize. To assume that I don't or can't empathize is to both assume that I am an asshole and that my life has been better than it has. To assume someone doesn't appreciate your disadvantages is to not appreciate their own disadvantages; as we all have disadvantages.

By trying to be more sensitive, people have been more insensitive, because they are swinging too far to that direction. More so, it acts like I am the bad guy just for existing. When someone says some shit about my privilege, then I say, "I'm sorry for existing." I think what they assume is that I don't know about and appreciate the disadvantages that are built into the system for certain types of people. Of course I don't know about all of the disadvantages for all people, because almost no one can know that, not you, nor I, but that doesn't mean that I don't know anything about this particular issue. Motherfucker, I read...

The real reason this is important to me is because I am a comic, so I want to be free to say what I need to say to develop my comedy and my mind. However, I don't want to constantly have to deal with someone getting mad, because they think that because I'm white I can't possibly be able to discuss racism on stage. The thing is, even if what I say is offensive, I won't say it again if it doesn't get laughs. I also won't say it again if I think it is mean spirited or divides the audience. I'm not trying to make enemies, but I am trying out new shit. Just consider everything that I say and write to be a rough draft. I may not feel that way tomorrow. Usually when someone gets offended by what I say, they usually make up some story in their head that goes something like, "he is purposefully trying to be insensitive", or "he doesn't respect _____", or whatever. The truth of the matter is, that if I offend you, then I did so by accident, and I strive to love and respect all people.

I guess that's a good second post... I'm probably going to get hate mail...

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

First Post

So this is my first post on my comedy blog. The problem with having a comedy blog is that people actually expect it to be funny, which is hard, because good jokes take time and crafting, and I am lazy, but, more so, I want this to be a free space where I can work out new ideas. The purpose of this blog is for me to vent my madness into a safe location. If you open the Pandora's box that is my mind, then it's your own fault. No sympathy for the foolish.

If you don't already know, I try to be a stand-up comedian and writer. However, at the moment, I also work doing tech support. It's hard to do tech support, because to do tech support is to look into the heart of American stupidity and smile as if what you are seeing isn't melting your face off like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Doing comedy is a great way to blow off that steam, but mostly I do comedy to meet chicks, which has never worked, so I don't know why I do comedy. I guess I love the freedom to say whatever I want without very much consequence, and that I can discuss deeply personal issues without fear, and that I get to make fun of people that I piss me off; like Canadians and the girl scouts. I say that I try to be a stand-up comic, because to be a stand-up comic is to always be trying to be a stand-up comic. It is a paradox such that you are never actually a stand-up comic, but are always trying. As you are always trying to write new jokes and improve your performance. So what's been going on in my wacky mind lately?

Today I was thinking that the T-Rex in all the Jurassic Park movies was always overly pissed off for no apparent reason. However, I have come to realize the true reason for said dino's bad temper. I bet you'd be pretty pissed off too if your arms were too short for you to reach your fun bits. Think about it. Which also makes me think about soldiers who get their arms blown off in war. Those guys need to be guaranteed BJ's or something, because otherwise that's a fate worse than death; you say you support the troops, well now it's time to put your mouth where the troops are. At the very least we need to get these guys sex robots.

However, sex robots scare me. Not that I'm scared that my robot is going to malfunction and bite off my manhood... although now I'm afraid of that, but the main reason I am afraid of sex robots is not because of female sex robots, but because of male sex robots. You see I am afraid that if we start having sex with robots, then men will only ever be having sex with robots, because when women start getting those male robots, then what will they need men for? The robot is going to have a vibrating tongue; how can I compete with that? And think about his package with its different attachments and vibrating and spinning settings. And men might as well be emotionless automatons, but at least the robot won't forget your birthday or piss on the toilet seat. So you better get pretty funny; not like me, or get pretty rich; also not like me. Or maybe women actually like us for who we are and our good company?

That is the thing. Maybe the sex robots will be liberating, because then we will no longer depend on each other for sexual pleasure; we will only pair up because we actually like the other person, which will force a lot of people to actually develop a personality. That's a nice thought, so maybe I shouldn't be afraid of sex robots, except when they malfunction and bite off your schvantz. Also, you should fear sexually frustrated dinosaurs. Actually, you should probably fear the sexually frustrated in general. That school shooting that happened recently was done by a sexually frustrated young man. I bet every major terrorist act ever was done by a sexually frustrated male. Sex robots might stop most crime just by relieving us of sexual frustration. Plus I've been starting to get arthritis in my hands in my old age, which has been making it more and more difficult to you know, which has really made me wonder if that's how our grandparents got arthritis. Maybe the reason your grandma can't open a pickle jar is because she flicked her bean one too many times? So, sex robots will help a lot of people who need to get it on. The future looks pretty awesome now. Thanks sex robots!

I guess that's a good first post. Sex robots and dinosaurs... I told you so...

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David