First Post

So this is my first post on my comedy blog. The problem with having a comedy blog is that people actually expect it to be funny, which is hard, because good jokes take time and crafting, and I am lazy, but, more so, I want this to be a free space where I can work out new ideas. The purpose of this blog is for me to vent my madness into a safe location. If you open the Pandora's box that is my mind, then it's your own fault. No sympathy for the foolish.

If you don't already know, I try to be a stand-up comedian and writer. However, at the moment, I also work doing tech support. It's hard to do tech support, because to do tech support is to look into the heart of American stupidity and smile as if what you are seeing isn't melting your face off like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Doing comedy is a great way to blow off that steam, but mostly I do comedy to meet chicks, which has never worked, so I don't know why I do comedy. I guess I love the freedom to say whatever I want without very much consequence, and that I can discuss deeply personal issues without fear, and that I get to make fun of people that I piss me off; like Canadians and the girl scouts. I say that I try to be a stand-up comic, because to be a stand-up comic is to always be trying to be a stand-up comic. It is a paradox such that you are never actually a stand-up comic, but are always trying. As you are always trying to write new jokes and improve your performance. So what's been going on in my wacky mind lately?

Today I was thinking that the T-Rex in all the Jurassic Park movies was always overly pissed off for no apparent reason. However, I have come to realize the true reason for said dino's bad temper. I bet you'd be pretty pissed off too if your arms were too short for you to reach your fun bits. Think about it. Which also makes me think about soldiers who get their arms blown off in war. Those guys need to be guaranteed BJ's or something, because otherwise that's a fate worse than death; you say you support the troops, well now it's time to put your mouth where the troops are. At the very least we need to get these guys sex robots.

However, sex robots scare me. Not that I'm scared that my robot is going to malfunction and bite off my manhood... although now I'm afraid of that, but the main reason I am afraid of sex robots is not because of female sex robots, but because of male sex robots. You see I am afraid that if we start having sex with robots, then men will only ever be having sex with robots, because when women start getting those male robots, then what will they need men for? The robot is going to have a vibrating tongue; how can I compete with that? And think about his package with its different attachments and vibrating and spinning settings. And men might as well be emotionless automatons, but at least the robot won't forget your birthday or piss on the toilet seat. So you better get pretty funny; not like me, or get pretty rich; also not like me. Or maybe women actually like us for who we are and our good company?

That is the thing. Maybe the sex robots will be liberating, because then we will no longer depend on each other for sexual pleasure; we will only pair up because we actually like the other person, which will force a lot of people to actually develop a personality. That's a nice thought, so maybe I shouldn't be afraid of sex robots, except when they malfunction and bite off your schvantz. Also, you should fear sexually frustrated dinosaurs. Actually, you should probably fear the sexually frustrated in general. That school shooting that happened recently was done by a sexually frustrated young man. I bet every major terrorist act ever was done by a sexually frustrated male. Sex robots might stop most crime just by relieving us of sexual frustration. Plus I've been starting to get arthritis in my hands in my old age, which has been making it more and more difficult to you know, which has really made me wonder if that's how our grandparents got arthritis. Maybe the reason your grandma can't open a pickle jar is because she flicked her bean one too many times? So, sex robots will help a lot of people who need to get it on. The future looks pretty awesome now. Thanks sex robots!

I guess that's a good first post. Sex robots and dinosaurs... I told you so...

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David