Showing posts with label boobies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boobies. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Dogs Versus Cats

I'm a stand-up comic, at least I try to be. I see a lot of comics perform and work on new material. It's funny that I say that I see a lot of comics, because sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at the same white guy with a beard and glasses (I am a white guy with a beard and glasses) talk about how he likes wrestling and doesn't like cats. I could give a rats ass about wrestling, but I am tired of hearing these guys talk smack about my feline friends. Every fucking white male comic has a bit about how they think dogs are better than cats. Well if you are one of those people who think that dogs are categorically better than cats, then I have a few points I'd like to make to you.

First, Fuck you... alright, moving along.

I came out swinging!

Second, Fuck you again... alright, moving along.

Third, the vast majority of these comics that are making these points don't even own a pet. Who the hell said that you could have an opinion on this? Go get a dog and then tell me how freaking great they are. I'm sure you think dogs are great when they're your parents responsibility, but I doubt you'll feel that way when you have your own barking shit machine. But you won't get a dog, because dogs are too much maintenance. Dogs suck so much, you can't even own one, but somehow you think they're better than cats?


This is not better than a cat...

Fourth, I've never been watching TV and this type of shit happened:
Breaking news! A 2 year old is being rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his neighbor's cat. Reports say the cat is a Tabby, which is considered one of the more violent breeds. Fortunately, animal control has taken the dangerous animal in to be destroyed.

There are leash laws for a reason. If I let Mr. Whiskers outside he doesn't come back with warrants, but you let your dog out on the loose, and he comes back with a criminal record, illegitimate kids, and he shit on your lawn. Having a dog is like letting my brother stay with you... he shit on my lawn! No, if I let Mr. Whiskers outside, he buries his poop. Cats are so awesome they hide their dooties, but you enjoy picking up giant dog bombs off your lawn.


That's a bad Mr. Kitty!

Fiff, dogs are disgusting. I've seen multiple dogs eat various types of poop. I've seen a dog roll around on a rotting maggoty dead mongoose corpse; you know, just in case it goes hunting. Cats clean themselves, but you still prefer to live with the creature that thinks cat turds are a tasty treat.


Kitty Roca is tasty...


Sixth, Cats are perfect for Millennials. Netflix and chill was fucking made for cats! Dogs don't want to Netflix and chill; dogs want to go to the park. I don't want to go outside. Dogs always want to go outside. They want to go out for a run. Do you think I want to run!? Cats are perfect for my lazy ass. Whereas dogs are a bunch of work. You have to walk them and pick up their shit and train them to behave and such. Where you can teach a cat to poop in the toilet and then you're done. Essentially when you give me a dog, what I think is, "thanks, you just gave me a bunch of chores." Only people who have nothing better to do would want a bunch of extra chores.


Your only chore is flushing after me, bitch.

I mean would you really choose a yappy little dog over a big cuddly cat? And that's really the point. Animals are just like people. Some of them are cool and some of them suck. Some dogs suck and some cats suck, but some dogs are cool and some cats are cool too. However, some people try to get fucked up animals for pets, like snakes. A snake is not a pet. You don't fucking pet it. It doesn't like you. It will never like you. It is just waiting for its chance to bite your ass. I went over to my friend's house and she told me that she had a pet tarantula. I told her, "No, you have a pet nightmare." Fuck that noise; for reals.

this lady might want a pet snake

So in conclusion; here's some funny pictures of cats and dogs

If this doesn't make you smile, then you are dead inside

I'm not even sure if this counts as a cat. Might be a Chupacabra

Khloe Kardashian's dog

I don't even want to know...

Okay, this dog is definitely awesome!

Cats also make excellent baby beds

they're also good for teething too

The face of evil

I accidentally stared at this photo too long...

"I ate that kitten from above. Those are my boobies!"

Okay that's enough from me!

peace, love, & justice for all

-Jonathan David

Friday, October 23, 2015

"They're Just Lumps of Fat!"


Hello, awesome people

My last couple of posts were too serious for my blood. I like to keep things silly. You know, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Although, I bet Debbie Downer has Quaaludes... ludes man... ludes

I promise to make this post more upbeat, so let's talk about boobies! Everyone loves boobies...

However, if everyone loves breasts, then why can't you show naked breasts on TV or in public? Is it going to pervert the children? It's strange that people think that seeing breasts will corrupt their children when breasts themselves are designed for children. Breasts aren't just for fun, they are actually intended to be used to feed babies. Our infants and toddlers are supposed to be getting that boob action, but instead we give them a plastic bottle. It's like we are turning them into alcoholics, because I often repress my desire for breasts with a bottle, and when I've been drinking, I also fall asleep in random places and maybe even soil myself, if the night is interesting enough... jk

We can all agree that sex is good and violence is bad (all things considered). If you can't agree on that, then remember there is a commandment not to kill, but God also commands that we have sex, "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply." In case you don't know, by "multiply", God means he wants you to "get it on" ("get it on" is the technical term). But an atheist can agree that sex is good and violence is bad; there are scientific reasons to approve of sex; it's healthy. Generally, violence is not healthy, unless your workout is punching suckers.

Tae Bo
You know who else likes to beat up imaginary bad guys? Meth addicts...

I think most sane people can agree that violence is bad and sex is good, but that's not how we behave. The other day I turned on the TV and I saw someone get kicked in the nuts, I saw someone get decapitated, and I saw another person get set on fire, and that was just what was on Nickelodeon, but heaven forbid you see a boobie on TV. If you want to see sex, then you have to change it to the Disney Channel. Somewhere, some little girl is waking up from a 5 year coma and is saying, "what the fuck happened to Hannah Montana!?" Look, little girl, just because you woke up from a coma doesn't mean you get to use foul language. I'll tell you what happened to Hannah Montana; we happened to her.

Sure, you can see all kinds of news footage of violent scenes as long as they preface it with, "the following footage is graphic in nature and may be unsuitable for some audiences or some bullshit," but I run naked on the news one time and all of a sudden I'm a criminal.

I know why people think boobies are not to be shown, because they were brainwashed against them. There's no logical reason for it. There are so goddamned many cultures where full nudity is not a problem. Even this article from The American Conservative even states that "This kind of thing is what happens when a culture has what I consider to be a disordered view of the human body, specifically the breasts. It runs parallel to pornography, this leering, panicked modesty. It is challenging to teach one’s children how to tell the difference between art and pornography when it comes to depictions of the nude human form, but it is necessary to try..." That's really the problem. We have conflated nudity with sex, and bare breasts are not allowed to be used to feed babies in public, because people associate them with sex and not nourishment.

The other day I saw a very obese man standing by the PCH outside of Santa Monica, and he was topless drying himself off with a towel. That guy's breasts were bigger than my last 2 girlfriends! Why is that guy allowed to show his boobs, but not women? Is it because no one wants to see his boobs? Then shouldn't we switch it around, so he has to keep his covered up and the boobs we want to see can be set free? The good people at Free the Nipple having been fighting to get equal breast rights for women, because when it comes down to it, to tell women that they have to hide their chest, but tell men they don't is not just stupid, it's a sexist double standard.

Venus de Milo on display at the  Louvre
Apparently boobs made of marble are beautiful, but not real boobs on a person with a vagina.
It's not that I think that women should show their breasts (I'm not that big of a pervert), it's that I think that women have the moral right to show their breasts if they choose to, and so I think they should have legal rights to do so. Here's where Libertarians tend to get it right. One should have the right to do what they want with their bodies as they see fit, as long as that doesn't interfere with other people's happiness. There's no good reason to prevent women from showing their breasts other than some people just don't like it. Well that's not good enough to make it illegal. Some people don't like it that gay people kiss in public; but we don't make laws against that, because even if 99% of the population is against something, that doesn't mean shit, because 99% of people could be wrong (appeal to popularity). The problem is, who knows what is right? Me obviously!

So in conclusion, I am really tired to talking about boobs, because women are not just their bodies. "Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter." So, let's just grow the fuck up and stop giving a shit about stuff that doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter if a woman shows her breasts, as that doesn't really affect anyone. However, it does matter that depression is on the rise in the U.S. and the world in general. It does matter that 21,000 children die everyday because they are too poor. And it does matter that women still don't have equal rights in this country.

Alright, I guess that's a good fourth post... boobies, breasts and bosoms... not bad.

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David