Dogs Versus Cats

I'm a stand-up comic, at least I try to be. I see a lot of comics perform and work on new material. It's funny that I say that I see a lot of comics, because sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at the same white guy with a beard and glasses (I am a white guy with a beard and glasses) talk about how he likes wrestling and doesn't like cats. I could give a rats ass about wrestling, but I am tired of hearing these guys talk smack about my feline friends. Every fucking white male comic has a bit about how they think dogs are better than cats. Well if you are one of those people who think that dogs are categorically better than cats, then I have a few points I'd like to make to you.

First, Fuck you... alright, moving along.

I came out swinging!

Second, Fuck you again... alright, moving along.

Third, the vast majority of these comics that are making these points don't even own a pet. Who the hell said that you could have an opinion on this? Go get a dog and then tell me how freaking great they are. I'm sure you think dogs are great when they're your parents responsibility, but I doubt you'll feel that way when you have your own barking shit machine. But you won't get a dog, because dogs are too much maintenance. Dogs suck so much, you can't even own one, but somehow you think they're better than cats?

This is not better than a cat...

Fourth, I've never been watching TV and this type of shit happened:
Breaking news! A 2 year old is being rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his neighbor's cat. Reports say the cat is a Tabby, which is considered one of the more violent breeds. Fortunately, animal control has taken the dangerous animal in to be destroyed.

There are leash laws for a reason. If I let Mr. Whiskers outside he doesn't come back with warrants, but you let your dog out on the loose, and he comes back with a criminal record, illegitimate kids, and he shit on your lawn. Having a dog is like letting my brother stay with you... he shit on my lawn! No, if I let Mr. Whiskers outside, he buries his poop. Cats are so awesome they hide their dooties, but you enjoy picking up giant dog bombs off your lawn.

That's a bad Mr. Kitty!

Fiff, dogs are disgusting. I've seen multiple dogs eat various types of poop. I've seen a dog roll around on a rotting maggoty dead mongoose corpse; you know, just in case it goes hunting. Cats clean themselves, but you still prefer to live with the creature that thinks cat turds are a tasty treat.

Kitty Roca is tasty...

Sixth, Cats are perfect for Millennials. Netflix and chill was fucking made for cats! Dogs don't want to Netflix and chill; dogs want to go to the park. I don't want to go outside. Dogs always want to go outside. They want to go out for a run. Do you think I want to run!? Cats are perfect for my lazy ass. Whereas dogs are a bunch of work. You have to walk them and pick up their shit and train them to behave and such. Where you can teach a cat to poop in the toilet and then you're done. Essentially when you give me a dog, what I think is, "thanks, you just gave me a bunch of chores." Only people who have nothing better to do would want a bunch of extra chores.

Your only chore is flushing after me, bitch.

I mean would you really choose a yappy little dog over a big cuddly cat? And that's really the point. Animals are just like people. Some of them are cool and some of them suck. Some dogs suck and some cats suck, but some dogs are cool and some cats are cool too. However, some people try to get fucked up animals for pets, like snakes. A snake is not a pet. You don't fucking pet it. It doesn't like you. It will never like you. It is just waiting for its chance to bite your ass. I went over to my friend's house and she told me that she had a pet tarantula. I told her, "No, you have a pet nightmare." Fuck that noise; for reals.

this lady might want a pet snake

So in conclusion; here's some funny pictures of cats and dogs

If this doesn't make you smile, then you are dead inside

I'm not even sure if this counts as a cat. Might be a Chupacabra

Khloe Kardashian's dog

I don't even want to know...

Okay, this dog is definitely awesome!

Cats also make excellent baby beds

they're also good for teething too

The face of evil

I accidentally stared at this photo too long...

"I ate that kitten from above. Those are my boobies!"

Okay that's enough from me!

peace, love, & justice for all

-Jonathan David

"They're Just Lumps of Fat!"

Hello, awesome people

My last couple of posts were too serious for my blood. I like to keep things silly. You know, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Although, I bet Debbie Downer has Quaaludes... ludes man... ludes

I promise to make this post more upbeat, so let's talk about boobies! Everyone loves boobies...

However, if everyone loves breasts, then why can't you show naked breasts on TV or in public? Is it going to pervert the children? It's strange that people think that seeing breasts will corrupt their children when breasts themselves are designed for children. Breasts aren't just for fun, they are actually intended to be used to feed babies. Our infants and toddlers are supposed to be getting that boob action, but instead we give them a plastic bottle. It's like we are turning them into alcoholics, because I often repress my desire for breasts with a bottle, and when I've been drinking, I also fall asleep in random places and maybe even soil myself, if the night is interesting enough... jk

We can all agree that sex is good and violence is bad (all things considered). If you can't agree on that, then remember there is a commandment not to kill, but God also commands that we have sex, "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply." In case you don't know, by "multiply", God means he wants you to "get it on" ("get it on" is the technical term). But an atheist can agree that sex is good and violence is bad; there are scientific reasons to approve of sex; it's healthy. Generally, violence is not healthy, unless your workout is punching suckers.


You know who else likes to beat up imaginary bad guys? Meth addicts...

I think most sane people can agree that violence is bad and sex is good, but that's not how we behave. The other day I turned on the TV and I saw someone get kicked in the nuts, I saw someone get decapitated, and I saw another person get set on fire, and that was just what was on Nickelodeon, but heaven forbid you see a boobie on TV. If you want to see sex, then you have to change it to the Disney Channel. Somewhere, some little girl is waking up from a 5 year coma and is saying, "what the fuck happened to Hannah Montana!?" Look, little girl, just because you woke up from a coma doesn't mean you get to use foul language. I'll tell you what happened to Hannah Montana; we happened to her.

Sure, you can see all kinds of news footage of violent scenes as long as they preface it with, "the following footage is graphic in nature and may be unsuitable for some audiences or some bullshit," but I run naked on the news one time and all of a sudden I'm a criminal.

I know why people think boobies are not to be shown, because they were brainwashed against them. There's no logical reason for it. There are so goddamned many cultures where full nudity is not a problem. Even this article from The American Conservative even states that "This kind of thing is what happens when a culture has what I consider to be a disordered view of the human body, specifically the breasts. It runs parallel to pornography, this leering, panicked modesty. It is challenging to teach one’s children how to tell the difference between art and pornography when it comes to depictions of the nude human form, but it is necessary to try..." That's really the problem. We have conflated nudity with sex, and bare breasts are not allowed to be used to feed babies in public, because people associate them with sex and not nourishment.

The other day I saw a very obese man standing by the PCH outside of Santa Monica, and he was topless drying himself off with a towel. That guy's breasts were bigger than my last 2 girlfriends! Why is that guy allowed to show his boobs, but not women? Is it because no one wants to see his boobs? Then shouldn't we switch it around, so he has to keep his covered up and the boobs we want to see can be set free? The good people at Free the Nipple having been fighting to get equal breast rights for women, because when it comes down to it, to tell women that they have to hide their chest, but tell men they don't is not just stupid, it's a sexist double standard.


Apparently boobs made of marble are beautiful, but not real boobs on a person with a vagina.

It's not that I think that women should show their breasts (I'm not that big of a pervert), it's that I think that women have the moral right to show their breasts if they choose to, and so I think they should have legal rights to do so. Here's where Libertarians tend to get it right. One should have the right to do what they want with their bodies as they see fit, as long as that doesn't interfere with other people's happiness. There's no good reason to prevent women from showing their breasts other than some people just don't like it. Well that's not good enough to make it illegal. Some people don't like it that gay people kiss in public; but we don't make laws against that, because even if 99% of the population is against something, that doesn't mean shit, because 99% of people could be wrong (appeal to popularity). The problem is, who knows what is right? Me obviously!

So in conclusion, I am really tired to talking about boobs, because women are not just their bodies. "Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter." So, let's just grow the fuck up and stop giving a shit about stuff that doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter if a woman shows her breasts, as that doesn't really affect anyone. However, it does matter that depression is on the rise in the U.S. and the world in general. It does matter that 21,000 children die everyday because they are too poor. And it does matter that women still don't have equal rights in this country.

Alright, I guess that's a good fourth post... boobies, breasts and bosoms... not bad.

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

I'm Not With Those Guys

Hello, my wonderful readers.

My last post concerns me, because I don't want people to confuse me with those closet bigots who get all defensive of being white. By no means do I want to try to say that white people have never done anything wrong. Those people's stance is very different from my own. The people at FOX "News" would like to say that everything is fine, there is no racism anymore, and black people are not disadvantaged, because white people are not advantaged, so don't blame them for anything. My stance is not that.

My stance is that typically white people have had advantages and still have advantages. Men generally have had and still do have advantages. Racism definitely still exists, and more grotesque is that racists try to act like they aren't racist. They're too chicken shit to say what they really think. However, just because there are disadvantages for people of color, or women, or the LGBTQ, doesn't mean that it is my fault. I personally am not responsible for those disadvantages. However I am responsible for trying to change the system, and I will do whatever I can for justice.

The people who really bother me are Libertarians, because they will say that everyone has a right to their property, and no one has a right to take their property. Yeah, because no one has ever gotten their property unethically... I mean, slavery NEVER happened. We NEVER fundamentally displaced and financially ruined the Indigenous Americans. I contend that just about every last cent in this country is the product of injustice.

Our schools still teach Manifest Destiny; what a racist paradigm that is. They say something like, "Americans felt it was their destiny to expand westward in the big empty country, and that is how we became a country." Wikipedia says, "Historians have emphasized that 'Manifest Destiny' was a contested concept—Democrats endorsed the idea but many prominent Americans (such as Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, and most Whigs) rejected it. Historian Daniel Walker Howe writes, 'American imperialism did not represent an American consensus; it provoked bitter dissent within the national polity.... Whigs saw America's moral mission as one of democratic example rather than one of conquest.'"
They teach the perspective that won out rather than teach that it was a debate. Never-the-less, today we can look back and see that the Westward expansion was done as the cost of millions of Native Americans, and not just to disease. The Trail of Tears was the result of Manifest Destiny. They don't want to frame it that way, because then Americans would have to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. All people would like to get the most benefit to them, and it doesn't benefit the people on top to admit that how they got there was by being evil. What Americans did to the Native Americans was just plain evil. If you don't agree with that, then read in detail what the American government did. Don't read the justification pieces written by racist libertarians who want aren't historians. Actual historians are clear that our country did a lot of bad stuff to get to where it is  today. It wasn't just that we worked hard. Working hard is not how one gets powerful.

That's the other problem with Libertarianism. People assume that you deserve your property, because you worked for it and that's how people become successful. Sure that's how some people have become successful, but that's not the prevailing strategy. Most people who become successful follow the philosophy of Thrasymachus in Plato's Republic. That philosophy is, "Justice is when the advantage goes to the strong." According to these people, if I already have power and I use it to gain more power, then that is justice. That's great if you want to have a monopoly. That's what happens when you allow businesses to do whatever they want, eventually you will get more and more powerful monopolies; or a king or an emperor. That's how the game is played. You don't win until you have it all, and the best way to have it all is to use your advantage to gain more advantage, which means you put others at a greater disadvantage. People who don't want to end that system are endorsing Thrasymachus' view, which is inherently unjust, so what they say is, "justice is injustice", which is crazy. Don't endorse Thrasymachus' view, kids. Don't French-fry when you want to pizza.

The view that it is the fault of the disadvantaged that they are disadvantaged is evil. It is the view of the selfish. It is the view of the unsympathetic. It is the view of a person who lacks compassion; a sad, sorry person; a FOX "News" pundit. I pity them.

You can't undo what has been done, but that is not justice either. When you steal from someone, you can't undo stealing from them, but you can return their goods or something of equal value if they will accept it. If you murder someone, you can't un-murder them, but you can work towards preventing future murders and do everything you can to help those affected recover from their pain. This should be common sense. Justice is not sitting in a box doing nothing. Justice is not eye for an eye. Justice is love and compassion. Sorry if I sound like a hippy, but, seriously, people need to quit hating so much, get laid, then remember that we are all children pretending to be adults. No one has it figured out. No one is perfect. We all have inner demons, so why get mad when someone has way more demons than you?

Thus, we need to provide to those who lack, and not just for today. My ol' Pappy used to say, "if you give a man a fish, then he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, then he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day." That's classic Pappy. Education is what we need to provide; equal education; equal opportunity to succeed. The best education shouldn't go to the children of the rich, it should go to the most talented, so that we can further their talents, so that they can provide further advancement for society. Endless competition is not efficient. Endless consumption is not efficient. Our system not only creates injustice, but it actually prevents advancement and is going to destroy our planet. Instead of constantly using our resources for killing each other in fancier and fancier ways, we could be using them to save us from ruin. But hey, at least I can buy stuff just to immediately throw them away...

The thing that those who have vast amounts of power don't realize is that they would be happier if they lived in a just society. They are addicted to their power, and like all addicts, they cannot admit that they have a problem. They live like kings, but the planet is turning to shit and millions of people suffer in unspeakable ways. The most powerful demon in hell still lives in hell. They could be kings in a shit world or they could just be themselves in a just and fair society, and there's nothing wrong with just being you. Having money or wealth doesn't make you better, because you are not your money or your power. Also, no one can ever be better or worse than another person. That is just a paradigm that fuels injustice.

I'm not against having wealth or abundance. I embrace it. However, I reject a lifestyle that ignores the consequences of that lifestyle. I don't want to try to act like children in sweat shops didn't make a bunch of things that I have purchased. I don't want to live in a fantasy world where I can live a life of convenience and no one was exploited for that to happen, when the truth is vastly different. I embrace the truth, so I stare into the abyss and try to smile.

I am not against having wealth, for I believe it is my responsibility to gain as much wealth as possible, and yours as well. As long as we live in a capitalist society, then it is our duty to earn as much money as possible to use to create justice. Even if it weren't my duty, that is what I would do anyway, simply because all I wish for is justice, so if I had a lot of money I would use it to help make the world a more just place. Although I sometimes like to fantasize if I were a ridiculously rich person and didn't care about justice, then what sort of selfish stuff I would buy. I'd first hire a giant woman to carry me around everywhere I want to go, because walking is for poor people. After that I'd probably use my money to pull more and more elaborate pranks. I'd be like Danny Ocean, but with pranks. Like Mozart, but with fucking with the world. I'd probably pay for a fake news story that Dick Cheney has people locked in his basement. Prove that you don't, Mr. Cheney. Let the people go, Mr. Cheney; the jig is up...

So yeah, I'm not with those guys... I'm my own special breed of person.

I guess that's good enough for a third post... Libertarians and Thrasymachus... ooooooookay

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David

First Post

So this is my first post on my comedy blog. The problem with having a comedy blog is that people actually expect it to be funny, which is hard, because good jokes take time and crafting, and I am lazy, but, more so, I want this to be a free space where I can work out new ideas. The purpose of this blog is for me to vent my madness into a safe location. If you open the Pandora's box that is my mind, then it's your own fault. No sympathy for the foolish.

If you don't already know, I try to be a stand-up comedian and writer. However, at the moment, I also work doing tech support. It's hard to do tech support, because to do tech support is to look into the heart of American stupidity and smile as if what you are seeing isn't melting your face off like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Doing comedy is a great way to blow off that steam, but mostly I do comedy to meet chicks, which has never worked, so I don't know why I do comedy. I guess I love the freedom to say whatever I want without very much consequence, and that I can discuss deeply personal issues without fear, and that I get to make fun of people that I piss me off; like Canadians and the girl scouts. I say that I try to be a stand-up comic, because to be a stand-up comic is to always be trying to be a stand-up comic. It is a paradox such that you are never actually a stand-up comic, but are always trying. As you are always trying to write new jokes and improve your performance. So what's been going on in my wacky mind lately?

Today I was thinking that the T-Rex in all the Jurassic Park movies was always overly pissed off for no apparent reason. However, I have come to realize the true reason for said dino's bad temper. I bet you'd be pretty pissed off too if your arms were too short for you to reach your fun bits. Think about it. Which also makes me think about soldiers who get their arms blown off in war. Those guys need to be guaranteed BJ's or something, because otherwise that's a fate worse than death; you say you support the troops, well now it's time to put your mouth where the troops are. At the very least we need to get these guys sex robots.

However, sex robots scare me. Not that I'm scared that my robot is going to malfunction and bite off my manhood... although now I'm afraid of that, but the main reason I am afraid of sex robots is not because of female sex robots, but because of male sex robots. You see I am afraid that if we start having sex with robots, then men will only ever be having sex with robots, because when women start getting those male robots, then what will they need men for? The robot is going to have a vibrating tongue; how can I compete with that? And think about his package with its different attachments and vibrating and spinning settings. And men might as well be emotionless automatons, but at least the robot won't forget your birthday or piss on the toilet seat. So you better get pretty funny; not like me, or get pretty rich; also not like me. Or maybe women actually like us for who we are and our good company?

That is the thing. Maybe the sex robots will be liberating, because then we will no longer depend on each other for sexual pleasure; we will only pair up because we actually like the other person, which will force a lot of people to actually develop a personality. That's a nice thought, so maybe I shouldn't be afraid of sex robots, except when they malfunction and bite off your schvantz. Also, you should fear sexually frustrated dinosaurs. Actually, you should probably fear the sexually frustrated in general. That school shooting that happened recently was done by a sexually frustrated young man. I bet every major terrorist act ever was done by a sexually frustrated male. Sex robots might stop most crime just by relieving us of sexual frustration. Plus I've been starting to get arthritis in my hands in my old age, which has been making it more and more difficult to you know, which has really made me wonder if that's how our grandparents got arthritis. Maybe the reason your grandma can't open a pickle jar is because she flicked her bean one too many times? So, sex robots will help a lot of people who need to get it on. The future looks pretty awesome now. Thanks sex robots!

I guess that's a good first post. Sex robots and dinosaurs... I told you so...

Love & Justice for all!

-Jonathan David